8 Tips For Surviving the Holidays Without Your LEO

Encouraging tips for thriving through the holiday season

 as a Law Enforcement Family

One of the hardest aspects of being a Law Enforcement family can be the subject of holidays. For most families, we will experience a holiday or two alone or spent without our LEO. Depending on your situation, celebrating a holiday without your LEO can be anything but happy. It can bring up feelings of sadness, abandonment, loneliness, and depression. For children it can be confusing and hard to understand not to mention a total drag having your mom or dad miss out on holiday festivities. For most families it can be a difficult and disappointing reality of the job.

So how do you cope as an LE family during the holiday season? Here are a few tips that I have found helpful to overcome the downer of a holiday alone.

• Be Flexible- This has become a necessity so far for every holiday in our family. Many of the holidays throughout the year my LEO works, whether because holidays fall on his shift days, or he takes the holiday/overtime pay opportunity. One way we juggle the holiday schedule and still feel like we get to celebrate the season is by staying flexible. We celebrate the holiday on a different day and try to keep a positive attitude. We look at the situation with a positive perspective. While we may not celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, we celebrate the days before and our family ends up having a Christmas week...can that get any more fun? Our family gets to celebrate the holiday on our own day and we end up having two holidays when we come together with family and friends on the actual day. While my LEO may not be present on the actual holiday, the fact we make an effort to still celebrate together on a different day helps buffer the affects of celebrating with others without him. Not having your LEO home on the specific holiday is not an end all...be flexible, be creative, and you just might find your holiday season filled with double the merriment! 
• Check Your Realities- Couples canoodle everywhere, the ideal image of happiness and cheer are in every ad, holiday song, or movie, commercials show huge, happy family gatherings. There are the pressures of the latest gifts, baking/cooking craziness, and the perfectly hosted party. Check your realities. When you feel the pressures of the holiday, remember the commercial expectations of the holidays are not reality for anyone. Don't expect the perfect holiday. Expectations are unfair to yourself and can produce more disappointment and hurt when they don't come to pass the way we imagined. No family is perfect, no holiday will be perfect, and sometimes things don't go as planned. Give yourself a break and remind yourself that how your family does the holidays is perfect for you...even the crazy, messed up parts. When you feel caught up in the craziness, take a deep breath, get back to square one, and remember the simple things about the holiday are what matter most. Hold your ideals of the holiday loosely and remind yourself to go with the flow. Give yourself and others a break during the holidays and remember, your best is good enough.
• Make Your Own Traditions- Who says you have to celebrate the holiday the way millions of others do? In the same way you shouldn't be afraid to mix up the holiday schedule don't be afraid to make new traditions from the adjustments too! Whether those new traditions are who you celebrate with, meeting your LEO at the office for a quick Christmas cookie and milk moment, or finding a way to surprise your LEO when they are on shift (think little stocking stuffers all over their squad car, or in the pockets of their vest). If it's a summer holiday, meet your LEO on their break for a paper plate BBQ in the park to include them in 4th of July festivities. There are probably other families in your department celebrating without their LEO- get together for a spouse/kids day and enjoy games and yummy snacks with other LE families. There are lots of ways to make the mixed up moments of the holiday season a tradition for your family and traditions can also include others!
• Communicate with Others- One way to buffer some of the heartache of missing your LEO on holidays is to communicate with family and friends. Let them know when your LEO won't be part of the festivities and don't be afraid to share if you are struggling or need extra support. Often times friends and family have no idea that holidays alone are part of the job and can be painful. By communicating your situation and feelings it allows your support group to come along side and do their part to help. Let them know this year is different for your family and see if getting together on a different day is possible. It can become another of those crazy Police family traditions!
• Pick Your Family- For some families, celebrating with immediate family on a different day is just not an option. Whether because of everyone elses' work schedules or travel, spending a holiday with extended family may not be an option this year. In that case...pick your family! I can guarantee you, you are not the only Police family celebrating on a different day or without your LEO. Last year I hosted a LE Thanksgiving and invited a few other LE families to our home a week before Turkey Day. Our dinner included the whole nine yards and we enjoyed watching the kids play and were able to have adult conversation just like the actual holiday. Thanks to being flexible, I met one of my dearest friends that day. We are a part of a very special Blue Family, don't be afraid to include them in your holiday this year!  You might be very surprised at how much fun you have with your adopted family!
•  Be Good To Yourself- If you are feeling blue don't forget to take care of yourself. Treat yourself to a special day, do what feels good, or do what you want to. It's ok to get together with friends for a fun day, take a walk in the fresh air, or set aside some time to yourself for self care. The holidays can get nutty and taking time for yourself is a must. It's your holiday too and you are absolutely allowed to be there for yourself just like you are there for others. Know your limits and your needs and don't be afraid to take care of yourself! Make that huge dinner just for yourself, or take a break this year and invite yourself to someone elses' party. Each holiday is different and our situations each year are different too...it's ok to shirk the ideal holiday and do what is best for you this year.
• Don't Let Guilt Hitch A Ride- Throw guilt out the window, whether it's guilt from not being happy during a holiday, or guilt from celebrating without your LEO. Try not to put unfair pressure on yourself to be happy or even to enjoy the holidays. Try not to over-think your situation and interactions with others. Give yourself a break during a holiday and remember you are human and your best is enough.
• Positive Perspective- Finally, when it all comes down to it, life is uncontrollable. Especially as an LE family. Plans change, time is interrupted, and disappointments happen. But one thing is my lifeline through it all...a positive perspective. I refuse to hurt myself with negativity. I want the best for myself because I'm worth it and one way of claiming my value is by trying to stay positive. We can be our own worst enemies by the outlook we have in situations. Instead of reacting with negativity to hardships, practice seeing the good and keeping a positive attitude. Operating in negativity or operating with a positive perspective takes the same amount of energy, though the result of staying positive produces the best outcome for your efforts.

I hope you are able to truly enjoy the holidays this season, knowing your best is good enough and even if this year is a difficult one, there is always next year (thank goodness, right?). With a little self management, a positive perspective, and an overcoming spirit, no matter what the holidays throw at you this year...you can survive and thrive this holiday season!

Here are a few more articles for a successful holiday season!

Surviving Loneliness Over The Holidays

Surviving The Holidays With Extended Family

4 Ways to Love Your Husband {When He’s Being Unlovable}

words of wisdom from Joy McMillan at SimplyBloomblog.com

 

Have you ever experienced a time in your marriage where your husband is a real pain? When it feels like you've traded your knight-in-shining-armor for a total turd?

It can happen in any marriage and it seems like, especially in an LE marriage. Your husband endures stresses, drama, lies, and manipulation every day, all day. How that wouldn't affect someone eventually, I have no idea. There has probably been a time or two when he has brought a bad mood home. And if it hasn't happened yet, it will. We are human and humans make mistakes. Wives make mistakes, husbands do too. But just because our spouse has hitched a ride on the jerk-annoying-at times unlovable wagon, doesn't mean we as wives are allowed to give up on them. When our husbands are the most unlovable is when they need love the most! And it can be the hardest thing to figure out, much less feel like doing.

I read a blog called Simply Bloom often. It is written by Joy McMillan a beautiful, upbeat Police Wife. Her words are always an encouragement and it's likely you have seen her amazing graphics talent floating around Pinterest too. She is responsible for the awesome LE themed "We Are A Family of Heroes" printable.

Joy wrote a wonderful article on 4 Ways To Love Your Husband {When He's Being Unlovable} (plus it includes an awesome free printable). I really want to share her incite with you because she is spot on! And it's a real struggle we all have. It's ok to have, we are human, and it is possible to overcome! So please read on, or visit the original post. I truly hope you are encouraged!

4 Ways to Love Your Husband 

{When He’s Being Unlovable}

This post is alternately entitled:  “You’re Being A Punk…But I Still Love You”.

A sweet friend of mine texted me a couple of months ago with a plea that read something like this…”please write a post on loving our husbands when they’re being unlovable.  I need it and know a few women who could really use the encouragement right now”, and being the great friend that I am {ahem}, I stashed it away in my momma-brain and promptly forgot about it.

Until recently.  When my hubby was being a smidge unlovable.  Go figure.

And while the initial thought of writing a smushy ‘how-to’ post about being a better wife made me laugh out loud, here it is…a few words of simple wisdom from a perfectly imperfect wife who has, admittedly, told her hubby on occasion to stop being a punk.
 
1. Check Yo’ Self
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 10 years it’s this: unrealistic and unspoken expectations will destroy a relationship.  It is so easy to assume, especially when you’ve been married for a while, that your husband knows what you need or want, when you need or want it.  Clear communication, seasoned with grace, is essential in making a relationship work.  I think we forget how very differently we’re wired; between our upbringing, personal baggage, temperament and personality, along with the fact that men and women are cut from entirely different cloth.  If we aren’t clearly communicating our needs, which are not to be confused with unrealistic expectations, the chances that they’ll be met are slim.

Occasionally my hubby will distance himself emotionally from me because he can sense a low-grade level of dissatisfaction from me.  When I get disenchanted with him because he’s not meeting my expectations, out of self-preservation, he withdraws.

It’s amazing how easily we can bring out the best – or the worst – in our loved ones.

With this being said, let your hubby off the hook.  There’s a tremendous difference between living with lofty expectations and living life with expectancy.  Master the latter.

Our identity, security and worth were never intended to be forged through them.  Affirmed, yes.  Nurtured, yes.  But not established and maintained.   We love our husbands well when we stop demanding that they meet needs they were never designed to meet.
 
2. Speak life {or Zip Your Lip}
Our words are powerful weapons…they can be used to destroy, or defend.  We can either fight with, or fight for, our guys.

I don’t know about you, but my filter malfunctions frequently.  I blurt something out and then lament my complete inability to think before I speak when passion is coursing through my veins.  When I get fired up, my mouth can get me in trouble.

But here’s the deal: in a world of raging negativity, criticism and disrespect, we can be a safe haven for our husbands.  I want my hubby to know that whatever he faces out there in the world, his name is safe in my mouth. I will honor him with my words, rather than cut him down, and I will never publicly embarrass or disrespect him.  We never speak negatively about each other in front of our kiddos, because we realize the power we have to enhance or destroy the way they see us.  It’s not always easy when blood pressure runs high, but it’s a commitment we’ve made…and it has made all the difference in our family.

And you know, friends, the truth of the matter is…our husbands are only as great as we believe them to be.  What we speak reveals what we believe.  And they will live up to what we believe about them.

It’s easy to pick out the dirt in other people’s lives, and it’s even easier to talk about it because it makes us feel better about our own dirt.  But we love our husbands well when we choose to speak life instead, when we intentionally choose to seek out the gold we know is sometimes buried beneath their temporary punkiness.  Go for the gold, girlfriend.
 
3. Don’t Drink the Poison
I’ve heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping to hurt another.  This poison is particularly potent when drunk within marriage.

On the flip side, resilience and grace are two of the healthiest ingredients we can add to our relationships, and should be drunk in large quantities, frequently.  We are imperfect humans married to imperfect humans, in an imperfect world.  We will disappoint, and we will be disappointed.

What a gift we give each other when we choose to live unoffended.

In the same way a house is kept in order more easily by sweeping through it daily and making sure things are roughly in their right place, a marriage is kept free of clutter when we make a point of not allowing baggage to accumulate.  In other words, don’t allow the sun to go down on your anger.  Graciously unpack your baggage together daily – uncomfortable as it may be in the moment – and refuse to let bitterness or resentment simmer overnight.  Don’t sleep on it.

Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice.  Even though our hearts may hurt, we can choose to lay down the grievance and give up our right to seek revenge.

While we may feel slighted at times, and may be tempted to demand a blood sacrifice to right a wrong, we love our husbands well when we don’t drink the poison, when we keep our tabs short and make grace more important than justice.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it”

~ Mark Twain

4. Seduce the Dude

While we may not realize how vital sex is to the health of our marriage, the proof is in the pudding.  Have you ever noticed that there’s a direct connection between the way your hubby interacts with you emotionally and how long it’s been since you connected physically?

When life gets busy and we don’t intentionally carve out time for us to reconnect and have a heavenly hoorah!…well, let’s just say…everyone’s a punk.

We know that most men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, but we often fail to recognize that our hubby’s sex drives are intricately connected to their ability to feel like a ‘real man’.

Interesting thing is, they also have an overwhelming emotional need for sex. While they may not express their heart the way we do – that level of raw communication does not come naturally to most men – our hubbies struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it improves their confidence and self-esteem, and boosts their well-being and performance in every area (For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn).

So, even though it can be excruciating to want to be intimate with someone who’s not being particularly lovable, we love our husbands well when we put on our big girl panties {however the thong works well here too) and choose to be selfless rather than selfish, honoring the fact that God created them a certain way – even if it irritates us at times – and connect physically in order to reconnect emotionally.

It’s “hello hotstuff, ta-ta punkboy” magic.  Try it.

You’re welcome.

Written by Joy McMillan, Simply Bloom Blog, June 28, 2013

Isn't that an awesome read? I pray you take Joy's words to heart and find hope that even when your man seems unlovable...there is a way to get back on track, to love through the tough times. It's important to never give up learning and striving for this ability in a marriage. Love, grace, and forgiveness are lifelines in a relationship. No matter how grumpy or annoying your LEO is...he still deserves your love. I hope this article helps you find a way to keep showing him love. Blessings sweet LEOW and prayers for your strength and endurance as you journey forward with your LEO.